Shed Light on the Situation

My insecurites are ruining my life.

The things I think about and then focus on... are making me hate myself.

I cry on a daily... just thinking about all the ways of life that would make me so much happier but I feel as though I can't reach them.

As if I'm..... roadblocking myself. My actions and ways are what influence the thoughts of the people around me while normally I wouldn't care.. this go around... I realize, people's thoughts influence they're actions towards me along with how they treat me in general. Some things.... have got.... to change. No questions asked. If not, I'll drive everyone away for the simple fact that they find me psychotic. 

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Atlas

In this place that I am, the state that I'm in. Where my mind is, body is, soul is, heart is. And then the kind of person I am. Its so hard to find a person compatible. That means love and friendship. When my heart aches, it aches as if its tempted to take its last beat. And then I just sit there, waiting for God to take all this pain on my shoulders away from me, just so I don't have to do it myself. I look at myself in HD and zoom in on my flaws, to only make myself think that they are what makes me. And not in a good way. Once he called me beautiful, but I just don't feel that way at this moment. Having mutliple ppl tell you what a fuck up you are, is anything but a source of kindness and happiness. It adds on. I'm being destroyed, as if I was a monster set on this atlas without a purpose at all.

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"Its been a while.."

So... I've started working again, enjoying it as much as one working in retail should. Having some self issues though. Things pushing me to go back on the past for few and just flat out hating myself... but then I force myself to reflect on the positive points in my life and everything seems descent and thank God for my priviledges.

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What?

It amazes me the things that can cause the stop to happiness. 

I don't find myself to be a confrintational person but the drama

always seems to follow me like a curse. I try not to be a stubborn 

person & apologize for my mistakes but sometimes an alter-ego

with way too much pride takes over and leaves me stuck with

nothing to say but "I'm not wrong, &%$# you"

I pray for God to give me grace and patience, and heart like his son's.

Curves & Hips

I feel that at every point in a woman's life she has to "step her cookies up". In other words, don't let a dude or anybody else for that matter hold you back when you have so much potential to positively poison the world. Make your difference from where you stand, let us know who you are. Embrace the beauty that the make-up and coach bags hide. Let us know who you are.

A Double-Sided Poison

I swear, even if I tried to focus my attention else where it would be nothing but failure. He's changed my life, and after going through so much I couldn't imagine myself with any other. We both have our flaws but in the end we are perfectly connecting puzzle pieces in the jig-saw called "Life". As corny as you might find it, deep in my heart I know I have a bright future with this man. We both f%&$ up from time to time, but after the dust has settled I know I still don't belong anywhere else. I accredit love, with making my life more and less tolerable depending on the day. For reasons that vary, but... in all... if it weren't for love and God being love we would not exist.

"And I Wonder.."

I was up until about 6am last night, due to my thoughts practically ripping me to shreds. Such a horrible state to be in, chemicals in your brain not cooperating and producing images and words that shouldn't even be a factor. I'm thankful that sleep washed away most of the pain that it was causing and I'm happy to announce I'm able to finish therapy like I intended.

Babycakes & Motivation

Even though we put each other through our fair share of aggravation & stress, at the end of the day there's no where I'd rather be then in your arms. Three years strong approaching in April & I couldn't be more excited. 

In other news, looks like I'm getting a little motivation back in my life after a drought that almost did me in. I'm thankful. 

Maybe I can still make it without therapy, high hopes for the future!

The Universe Is Back In Order Captain

Thanking God, that my phone brushed against my leg yesterday morning or else I'd still be in the darkest room of my depression. Life still has its normal struggles BUT I now have more hope for myself. 

The only let down of the last few days was finding out that I won't be finishing my therapy. This filled me with fear and discourage at first but I plan to take what little I did get from my most recent two appointments and moving forward.

Keep me and my heart in your prayers. 

I Don't Have A Title

A few years ago I made a list of all the things I didn't like about myself. I hit high double digits and the list has done nothing but grown.

Now Playing: Please Don't Play This Song by Kid Cudi Featuring Mary J. Blige

Goodnight.

Sigh....

In my opinion, one of the worst feelings in life is the feeling right after you've caused a big ordeal thinking you're so right the whole time only to find out you were completely wrong and you now look like the biggest idiot. I might have ruined my only opportunity at happiness last night and I wake up this morning filled with regret.

I send thanks to my good friend who talked through things with me last night. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be on my high horse pointing fingers right now. But you snapped me out the nightmare that I had formed in my head out of insanity. After being brought back to earth on a realist's & logical level, my only fear is that even though now my mind is on the right path, it might be too late.

I've spent all of this time praying that God will help me through this and that this will end up like every other time and we'll move on from it. But how can I tell?

Thinking about it I feel that maybe I'm just doing the same thing I was doing last night assuming before I even talk to you. You told me we'd talk today, so I'm waiting by the phone.

Thank You

His interest & belief in my poetry inspires me to start writing again, such a beautiful muse.

I love you.

Showered with knowledge..

So, I've been on edge lately, practically killing myself with stress. Lashing out & just worrying myself way too much. So when I took my shower today, as corny as it may sound, I asked God for guidance and answers. And I swear what I need for myself seems so clear now.

Words of Wisdom children, if you want things to change in your life you have to do some changing yourself. I realize that now, and I'm in the midst of making some moves.

May peace be with you all.

Oh, I See Now... Nevermind, Not Really

My emotions are in HD right now and driving me crazy. I'm not too sure what's going on with me, I'm just irritable all the time and aggravated. All the thoughts keeping me up at night are on the way to being the death of me. I need to get away, NYC, darling.. I miss you. 

Nervous..

Its the worst when you don't know what's going on in your own life. When you're so stressed from pain your stomach hurts. When you've cried so much you can't cry anymore. I'll never understand why we have times like this & why they have to hurt so bad and confuse so much & then more & more factors are added which make it worse because you're starting to see reality versus the picture you painted in your head. I keep thinking over and over what will I say when the time approaches and I still don't know. I haven't been this emotionally drained in so long, so many thoughts, so many feelings. Its the worst when you're emotional pain turns to physical. To make matters worse no therapy til next week, who do I even talk to about these things in depth since my best friend won't talk to me. Its not fun being alone.

Business, A Way of Life

I've been slacking but lifes been hectic. My babys back living here and we've been making up for lost time, all the lovins been amazing. With that, we're getting started in business together. You know, my view on life has always been Money is necessary but not what runs life. Even though in a way it does, I try not to be "money hungry" and stuck on a materialistic mindset. But I do have goals and I believe that goals drive people to do things and to be more successful. That & seeing people around you making moves when you're just sitting on the couch watching 16 & Pregnant. Get up and make something of yourself kids.

Thinking & Thinking..

So, I've come to the conclusion (once again) that's its time I put my foot down and take more charge in the relationships in my life. Every so often I start to lose sights that this is MY life, and no one else's. I have to live it FOR me..... if I don't.. who will?

God bless.

Going The Distance..

A lot has been going on lately, a lot of stress, a lot of heartache. I'm emotionally drained. Being stressed which is one of the things I do best, is one of the most exhausting ways of life. Stress drains your mental, emotional, and physical energies & in the end you either want to just cry or explode into confetti. I'm feeling a mixture of both. My life is changing so much & I'm feeling & realizing new things every day & my main partner in crime is so far away from me.. its hard to feel like we're even growing together. This distance between us has helped though, we've both matured a lot in the relationship front. I mean really, marriage & family was the last thing on our minds just a few months ago & now its all we talk about. I guess its true that distance tends to bring people closer together.

As for me alone, I've been heavily emotional lately for no apparent reason. Not really in the mood to see people either. Weird for me, but I don't know. I guess those 2 weeks of people in and out was enough fun for me.

Looking Back...

Well, had another great trip to NYC this weekend to spend time with my babyface. He makes my heart sing with a new joy every visit. I feel bad over the little differences we seem to have every so often but at the end of the day its the differences and how you overcome them that help the relationship to grow that much stronger. We spoke of marriage again, this time a lot more serious. Even to the point of going into Tiffany & Co. to look at rings. I'm in a daze, but a positive one. I wish everyone a love & happiness like I have. Its not easy though, everybody tells me they envy my relationship but not realizing that to get to the point we're at now took so much... blood, sweat, & tears. LITERALLY. Its all been worth it though.

I'm starting to have that chlostrophobic (spelling?) Feeling again about Virginia. I feel like wings can be spread so much further for happiness and opportunity in NYC. I really have hopes of making a fulltime move there in the next couple of years. Hopefully it all goes "swimmingly".

Some Things Never Change..

Its really aggravating spending your life feeling like every move you make is wrong and being judged. Normally I don't care what people think about me but at the end of the day, harsh critizism gets exhausting. I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I just need a break before I'm driven to suicide or another type of wrong escape. New York bound yet again in two days.

Time Flies when you're...

So, this weekend has been one of the craziest. Its left me practically dead on this rainy Sunday morning. I didn't even realize that it was Sunday.. I used to live for the weekends when there was people in and out and chillen all the time, illegal acts and blasting LMFAO.. But now.... I'm just kind of over it. I feel like an old woman saying that but.. I don't know.. why risk getting in trouble with family & law, when everybody could just chill and still have a great time due to the company that's with you? OR to be honest, we can just cause mischief and somebody else's house...? Hmm.. Problem solved.

Not Again!

I've been getting inconsistent with my daily post. I again apologize, I told myself I wouldn't let it happen. But, not too much is going in my life today. I recently had started to question my relationship and if I was still really happy after two & a half years and well, oddly... it pushed me closer to him. I've never been in a relationship like this and I've never felt the way I do about anyone like this. And I can assure the world, this love is real. In other news, my social life is seeming a bit more lively, wish these people were around 2 months ago. But hey! "Better late then never".

Overdue?

I feel like I'm late on a post or two... O_o My apologies. Let's see what's going on in my life right now, *skims memory*

Well, I've been having a pretty chill time since I've gotten back from NYC. Chillen with good friends, catching up on things. Milking these last days of summer for all they're worth. Its nice to finally have a busy schedule and to be able to have options of what to do and who to chill with versus taking the first thing that falls in your lap b/c there's nothing else to do. This is good for me, good for my soul. I've been laughing a lot, I missed that, I seemed before to only laugh on the weekends when I'm with him. But now my endorphins are in action more often and I'm happier.

Rest In Peace Darius Porter, Condolences & love to Mika and their family & friends. May God bless you all. <3

The Road To RVA Is Paved With...

So I'm finally back in RVA, my trip was long and grueling. But filled with great music, I swear once I have my headphones in its like my own little party in my head. O_o anyway, super duper exhausted, hitting the sheets. Goodnight world.

Such Great Things

Today was yet another spectacular day that makes me sit back at the end of it and just smile. I've been coming to New York all 18 years of my life and it amazes me that this absolutely amaaazing guy I've only been with for 2 and half out of the 18 is showing me such wonders that I've NEVER been introduced to by my own family and friends. Either way, this trips been 2 thumbs way up and way more then needed.

Oh Dear

Well, technically I have failed and didn't get to write a post for August 5th (since it is now 12:20am on August 6th). To make it up to my readers...... the first ever pics to be posted on this blog, taken by yours truly tonight! :)) Enjoy..

NY Bound

I wanted to do todays post while I was literally "NY Bound" BUT by the time I am it'll technically be tomorrow. So I'm leaving in the next hour & a half. I ask that my readers pray for me a safe trip. And my next post will be from the best place! WHOO! ;-*

Ready Freddy!

Against my mother and grandmother's wishes, I will be NY Bound tomorrow night. I don't do things like this to be a "rebel" or anything like that, its just a trip I know I need and that would do me some good. And besides, its only for the weekend. I've prayed - more then once - for the Lord to keep safe on my travels and I packed this morning, LET'S GO!

Chill Daysss

So, today I didn't do much, chilled with a couple friends and thought a lot. Looks like I'm taking a good ol' visit to NYC this weekend. Quite excited, I miss it there and I need a get away to a place I love. Nothing does the heart better then a good dose of comfort... and romance (of course). Not getting my hopes up to high for spectaculars, but my love says he is taking me out, so let's see what lies ahead.

Cleaning up & arranging plans tomorrow. TTFN

Tell Me You Weren't Thinking It?!

So, judging by my Facebook news feed and my Twitter timeline, the question has risen in my mind: is the world just becoming more and more childish by the second?

I see so much hypocracy and idiocracy that I just want to delete both accounts and stick to blogging (more lowkey). Everything pumping out of the fingers and into the keyboards of my generation is exhausting and almost brainwashing. Its disgusting, everybody needs a reality check. Just Sayin!

Out On A Limb

I've been thinking and I need to know, like in all seriousness.... is it ODD to think of marriage at age 18? He's 20, and in my eyes we're both at the beginning peak of our adulthood. And well, we're in love and very serious. And its been coming up, kind of a lot lately.. I think I'm ready. O_o

As Always...

I'm craving new horizons...

The Inevitable Change...

So, I've decided that along with shaving all my hair off, my life needs to do some growing. I am now graduated and out of school and also 18 years old. I need to stop procrastinating and becoming a true adult. My time is now, my time is prime. LETS GO.

COPYCATS

LIFE IS A PRIVILEGE.

USE YOUR ABILITIES.

CHERISH THEM LIKE

YOU WON'T HAVE

THEM TOMORROW.

"WHY BOTHER

COPYING SOMEBODY

ELSE WHEN YOU CAN

ENJOY BEING YOURSELF?"

B.L. MARSHALL

Long Time No See...

WOW!

It's been 2 whole years and I'm finally back...

get ready...

same vibe...

NEW age......