Out of Pocket..

I had a moment today where I had to really look back and ask myself... "Am I changing who I am to benefit another person?" And "If I do betray my own character... Will I benefit or suffer from it in the end?" Advice to people everywhere, you were made the way you were for a reason, God put us here with stories pre-written... Why give up your fairy tale ending, for somebody that could possibly only be there for one chapter?

Seasons...

I can't help but notice myself changing in so many ways. My wants are different, my needs are different, as well as my thoughts & feelings. I've always been told I'm mature, but I feel as though now, I'm realizing it for myself. I handle my situations differently, I execute my actions differently. And the biggest change of all of course falls in the category of love. My interests & attractions have done a complete flip & I'm trying to grasp on to it & understand what exactly this is. My new "leading man" is someone I would never imagine to look at the way I do, but it's ohkay. The lack of commitment & rules makes it for an even better set up, obviously for the reason being I've never had such a situation. He keeps me on my toes as well as boggles my mind on a regular.. The smell of cigarettes & liquor which would normally be revolting, has become that of roses. He's a game changer, so far a good one. I'm taking control of me and what I want and I'm happy about it, haven't heard from ex in a while, & at times I'd like to hear his voice but I know now, things are better this way. I'm growing this way.

Trying To Comprehend..

It doesn't make sense in the slightest to me that I feel the way I do.

It's confusing, but at the same time.. I guess the only term that makes it make sense is "love at first sight".

Is it possible that something as mythical as that has happened to me? I'm still not sure.

It's only been a few months and that alone feels like a few years, but I have to keep myself grounded that it hasn't been.

I was so scared of all of these thoughts and colors escaping and crashing down on me but at this point who cares? I have to get things off my chest and that's what this is for right?

Sigh

I feel as though I have so much on my mind yet, no words to turn the thoughts in to. At the end of the day, all I can think about is pros & cons of having a huge heart. I get so caught up in somebody and try so hard to show them I care, only to get stomped on in return. I get hurt over and over and yet still "chase" & "pursue" just because my feelings are so strong and I don't know what else to do because fear of letting go and hurting even more. I try to focus on other things other friendships & relationships, but what good does that do when you're in so deep?   

Infatuation

They say that theres a chemical reaction set off in your head when you meet a person you're attracted to. This chemical in your brain, makes you completely blind to all the flaws of that person. And everything else around you just seems less important.. I've seen a friend go through this situation recently and I could only begin to imagine the toll it takes on a person, to basically fall in love with someone you barely know and just get your emotions all fucked up in the process. It's heartbreaking and it barely makes sense but... The things us girls go through for stupid men. 'scuse me... BOYS. I will never understand what enjoyment people get out of making someone think they're interested only to hold up a big middle finger in the end. Its wrong. It's common that people do things to people not knowing what they're going through or what previous issues they've had and how their actions can just trigger something absolutely tragic..

"Morning After Dark"

All I can seem to think about is last night, I'll have to say that... well, actually I don't know what to say. All it takes is merely five minutes to change your life, even though I know the unspoken event lasted longer then that.. what felt like hours now seems like just that, five minutes.. I was starting to feel as if I wasn't as needed as I'd like to be in my relationship but now... after this? I know for a fact that as hectic as things may get between us, with him is where I belong. The concept of "soul mates" is often cliche' and overused by tween-aged girls who just had their first kiss. But this, I'm praying, if the term is a real thing, that God is showing me that at a young age I have found mine.    

Here We Go..

So, I'm considering starting a "VLOG"... I think it would be good for myself but I'm wondering how popular it would be... Surely not as high in demand as Kingsley or Ryan Higa but maybe.. Some people would find it amusing. I'm in the works with this, its not definitely coming, just something I was pondering. Sorry, I haven't written in a while, if anyone in the world has even noticed, hopefully I'll blog more now that I'm on a laptop, I know that's backwards - shouldn't I have blogged more when I put the app on my phone? NO. its kind of aggravating actually. Its better to blog like this. Anyway, I'm rambling. TTFN.

Down and Out

I honestly just feel so warn out like i just have nothing left to give to the world. I'm out of it, I just don't like myself anymore and it just seems as if I just can't take on any other stresses or heart aches. I'm trying to give God my burdens and let him fight my battle while at the same time thinking he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. But all of that is so much easier said then done and I'm just crumbling under pressure. I feel like after all my frowns and tears I deserve days and days filled with genuine smiles and laughter.. But they're just not there. I don't want to lie to myself and sugar coat tragedy but at the same time I don't want to make rash decisions that I'll hate myself for later. I'm stuck.

The hearts & The Brains

I know its better to feel then to be emotionless, just as well as I know its better to love then to be completely alone. But, sometimes I just wonder would it all be easier if I was able to disconnect from all my emotions. I wouldn't hurt & I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't stay up at night filled with thoughts that do or don't make any sense. I would honestly have nothing to worry about but at the same time... How horrible it would be to live a life so hollow & meaningless. A second of pain should be worth days of happiness. Right?

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Family Ties

Its been a while but I have something on my mind worth blogging about and thats family. Its amazing how people portray the image of family and then most go completely against it. I'm not sure what it is about me, but I have both sides of my family completely paying me no attention, my mother seems to think for her side it is my fault and my dads is questionable. Honestly, I find it to be plain and simple that both sides just so happen to be people who respected grand parents and their only grandchild, and when the elders passed on so did the mandatory "love factor". Its fine though, I've adapted my way into a new familia while keeping my actual family that cares close as well.

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Uhmmm...

Ohkay, well I really don't have much to talk about in this post, nothing drastics been going on lately. I've been making progress on my road to a happier life. I've taken a real liking to Gossip Girl (currently via netflix then DVD until I catch up with where they are on actual TV). Other then that work and other  normalcy.

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Progess Report

So, due to bad habits of my past I seem to have some scarring and even more bad traits then I realized. The person I am right here, right now... is not healthy nor who I would like to be. But fixing myself, will be way easier said then done. I can admit that I'm taking things arbruptly, not really weening myself off but just taking charge of my own life cold turkey. Its the most frustrating thing I've ever done, being serious about change and not bullshitting around anymore. But I will succeed, for I am stronger then I honestly believe I am. And I do have faith in my self whether the rest of the world does or not.

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Le Difference

Have you ever encountered or endured something so powerful and so beautiful your whole life changes or at least just seems more clear?

Ever go through something or realize something that just overcomes you with so much more strength and a sense of reality?

I feel as if I've had so many "My life sucks/OH WOW, CLARITY AND CHANGE/nevermind not really" moments thats its becoming annoying and overly redundant.

Its a new year filled with so much opportunity. And please, I promise you that I'm not one of those cliche'd facebook statuses saying that all my problems and problem starters are going to be left behind in 2011. But I will say that 2011 had enough struggle and lessons learned to make me need to make 2012 completely different. Starting with a strong retaliation to my emotional disorders and dependencies. There are things that I feel I can clearly find fault in but continue to do... a friend has brought to my attention that some things have become addictions (Addiction; the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice of something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming). I'm become my own murderer, my own torturer, it has to stop before I literally destroy myself. I encourage everyone to take charge of your own lives not for others or for appearance matters, etc.... but for YOU.