LSWE

{Light skinned in the West end.}

Different.

Out of place. 

Searching. 

So many years being hated by 

My own kind but a different kind.

The darker kind. 

Treated well by the colorless side

But always a stand out. 

"You talk like a white girl" 

"You listen to white music"

"She thinks she's better"

No. 

I talk with intelligence.

I listen to what moves me.

I think of myself lower... 

For never finding a perfect fit.

21 years of never "fitting". 

Colorless still know I am not them.

But I am LIKE them. 

So I am acceptable. 

Only.. what about what I think?

Threatened. 

I will surround myself with colorless

But feel ugly in comparison.

Why?

Because I am still black. 

I have an Afro 

I have hips

I have prejudices 

But I have sense. 

And manners.

And I am open-minded in majority of ways. 

I have rhythm and to me that means more than just "black music" but also "white music"...

Wait.

Why can't music just be music?

I have lived with this division my 

Whole life and am still lost about it all.

Cherokee, Irish, West Indian, Canadian blood all running through my veins.

Seems exotic? Seems like a cop out to run from the fact that if I was standing in front of Sara, Dylan, etc... 

"Prettiest black girl"

"Pretty for a black girl" 

"You're just not black to me"

Then what am I?

I don't know.

Why

I'm back in a place that is more familiar 

than it should be. I hate that I give other people the controls to my emotions. I'm just so sick of depression and pain. 

My daughter is one of the only things that puts a smile on my face, her love is the strongest, and her energy is the most positive that feel. 

For as long as I can remember, through self harm, panic attacks, tears, and more... The only thing I've ever wanted and still want...... Is happiness. And when I feel like I've finally achieved it... It's almost instantly ripped from my fingertips. 

It's not fair. 

All it took..

And with one sentence a whole different person is erupting. A year of built up rage, flooding out like lava. 

Going Through It...

Horrible headache from crying for the last half hour. People just never realize how their words and more importantly their actions can effect someone until it's already been said and done. 

I saw a picture online that said "just because your past wasn't all you wanted, doesn't mean your future can't be greater then you imagined" (or something like that). It touched me... I love my child, but I don't love our predicament. I almost feel as though we don't belong anywhere but with each other. Like she and I are outcasts and/or fugitives. We aren't accepted in some parties and in other parties the circumstances are intolerable. All I want for us is happiness. No more stress, conflict, and drama. Just happiness. 

My Heart Aches for Her.

I was originally going to be very blunt and out of character in this post but I stopped myself and regained my composure.... This blog has been with me through a lot... Good times and bad. Every human being has their errors in life. I've had my fair share. I've always been a person to live without regret but now I'm starting to. My daughter deserves so much better... I met a person once who intrigued me in such a manor I couldn't help myself but to go along for the bumpy ride... Now... I know the truth... That persons negativity will not effect MY daughter. I will be her mother... And her father.

Haunting

I feel as though I've made plenty of decisions in my life that if executed differently I would be in a much better place right now... But I try to live optimistic and without regret. 

I question is loving too much, too hard, and too easily.... A bad thing? The bible says we're supposed to love unconditionally... But I just feel as though I put my heart on the line way too much. I can't tell you how sick I am of being hurt... And how my dreams and thoughts are haunted by these scars of my past. I feel as though that's one of my main stresses.... Not being able to forget the pain or at least mask myself from it. 

Perfection

My life has been so stressful the last few months.. But I'm determined for 2014 to be great for my daughter and I. I feel like I just have to (in a mature manor) accept the fact that my expectations for a perfect, happy life are just too high or not in this chapter. I think I just need to relax but at the same time, work to get out of this stuck place where I feel I am. I need motivation but I also need a break from just all the stress that's on my back day in and day out. My child is my focus, my love, my world, I want the best for us. I need the best for us. I'm not going to speak on my love life in this post. I'm not focused on it at this point. Relationships are irrelevant to me right now. No time or patience for what comes along with it (usually more bad than good).