Eyes Open Wide

I used to spend a lot of time praying for a situation that just wasn't meant to be. With red flags left & right, I ignored it. And forced something that was just so toxic & disguised it to myself as something meant to be. No, a life of pain & worry is not a life one should want to live. All the uncertainties & sleepless nights, I'm glad to say are in the past now. I would like to think that God gave me the strength to finally walk away & then opened my heart to the start of something new and beautiful. I'm not saying, I'm predicting the future & that this will be smooth sailing. I'm prepared for hardships. But at the same time, I have more faith & hope in this then anything I've had before. This life we're starting together is real & so different then anything I've experienced before. & when it comes to starting a family together, I'm happy it's with you, I'm comfortable & confident in you. We're going to be parents! It's crazy to think about & to put it into words, but we got this.. And it's going to be amazing.

¿Que Pasa Contigo?

I'm a little confused as to what's been going on with me lately. Feeling like a female Howard Hughes, I don't want to move or leave my room. I'm just stuck with the weight of the world on my mind and shoulders. A ticking time bomb, any little thing can really set me off in any direction these days. I'm longing for something... & it's driving me off the edge to not get it, but it cannot be forced, so I took today to try to give space, possibly be longed for... Back. I need to let out a lot in this post, so prepare. I think back to my past relationships & at this point I remember a lot of hurt. Right now, all I can think to myself is a lot of the feelings I've felt before & I don't ever want to feel again, with that being said, I'm almost scared to fall in love again, even though I question am I already in the process. I miss being comforted. Having someone be genuinely affectionate towards me. My situation now, is one that makes me happy but also one that has potential for so much more. I am usually one to be aggressive when I want something but this... Isn't usual. I can't do what I would do with anybody, it's different, it's a different feeling then what I've had before. I'm more confused then ever. Trying to "go with the flow" is taking to long to get me the answers I need. And I'm just at a block.

Out of Pocket..

I had a moment today where I had to really look back and ask myself... "Am I changing who I am to benefit another person?" And "If I do betray my own character... Will I benefit or suffer from it in the end?" Advice to people everywhere, you were made the way you were for a reason, God put us here with stories pre-written... Why give up your fairy tale ending, for somebody that could possibly only be there for one chapter?

Seasons...

I can't help but notice myself changing in so many ways. My wants are different, my needs are different, as well as my thoughts & feelings. I've always been told I'm mature, but I feel as though now, I'm realizing it for myself. I handle my situations differently, I execute my actions differently. And the biggest change of all of course falls in the category of love. My interests & attractions have done a complete flip & I'm trying to grasp on to it & understand what exactly this is. My new "leading man" is someone I would never imagine to look at the way I do, but it's ohkay. The lack of commitment & rules makes it for an even better set up, obviously for the reason being I've never had such a situation. He keeps me on my toes as well as boggles my mind on a regular.. The smell of cigarettes & liquor which would normally be revolting, has become that of roses. He's a game changer, so far a good one. I'm taking control of me and what I want and I'm happy about it, haven't heard from ex in a while, & at times I'd like to hear his voice but I know now, things are better this way. I'm growing this way.

Trying To Comprehend..

It doesn't make sense in the slightest to me that I feel the way I do.

It's confusing, but at the same time.. I guess the only term that makes it make sense is "love at first sight".

Is it possible that something as mythical as that has happened to me? I'm still not sure.

It's only been a few months and that alone feels like a few years, but I have to keep myself grounded that it hasn't been.

I was so scared of all of these thoughts and colors escaping and crashing down on me but at this point who cares? I have to get things off my chest and that's what this is for right?

Sigh

I feel as though I have so much on my mind yet, no words to turn the thoughts in to. At the end of the day, all I can think about is pros & cons of having a huge heart. I get so caught up in somebody and try so hard to show them I care, only to get stomped on in return. I get hurt over and over and yet still "chase" & "pursue" just because my feelings are so strong and I don't know what else to do because fear of letting go and hurting even more. I try to focus on other things other friendships & relationships, but what good does that do when you're in so deep?   

Infatuation

They say that theres a chemical reaction set off in your head when you meet a person you're attracted to. This chemical in your brain, makes you completely blind to all the flaws of that person. And everything else around you just seems less important.. I've seen a friend go through this situation recently and I could only begin to imagine the toll it takes on a person, to basically fall in love with someone you barely know and just get your emotions all fucked up in the process. It's heartbreaking and it barely makes sense but... The things us girls go through for stupid men. 'scuse me... BOYS. I will never understand what enjoyment people get out of making someone think they're interested only to hold up a big middle finger in the end. Its wrong. It's common that people do things to people not knowing what they're going through or what previous issues they've had and how their actions can just trigger something absolutely tragic..