Seasons...

I can't help but notice myself changing in so many ways. My wants are different, my needs are different, as well as my thoughts & feelings. I've always been told I'm mature, but I feel as though now, I'm realizing it for myself. I handle my situations differently, I execute my actions differently. And the biggest change of all of course falls in the category of love. My interests & attractions have done a complete flip & I'm trying to grasp on to it & understand what exactly this is. My new "leading man" is someone I would never imagine to look at the way I do, but it's ohkay. The lack of commitment & rules makes it for an even better set up, obviously for the reason being I've never had such a situation. He keeps me on my toes as well as boggles my mind on a regular.. The smell of cigarettes & liquor which would normally be revolting, has become that of roses. He's a game changer, so far a good one. I'm taking control of me and what I want and I'm happy about it, haven't heard from ex in a while, & at times I'd like to hear his voice but I know now, things are better this way. I'm growing this way.

Trying To Comprehend..

It doesn't make sense in the slightest to me that I feel the way I do.

It's confusing, but at the same time.. I guess the only term that makes it make sense is "love at first sight".

Is it possible that something as mythical as that has happened to me? I'm still not sure.

It's only been a few months and that alone feels like a few years, but I have to keep myself grounded that it hasn't been.

I was so scared of all of these thoughts and colors escaping and crashing down on me but at this point who cares? I have to get things off my chest and that's what this is for right?

Sigh

I feel as though I have so much on my mind yet, no words to turn the thoughts in to. At the end of the day, all I can think about is pros & cons of having a huge heart. I get so caught up in somebody and try so hard to show them I care, only to get stomped on in return. I get hurt over and over and yet still "chase" & "pursue" just because my feelings are so strong and I don't know what else to do because fear of letting go and hurting even more. I try to focus on other things other friendships & relationships, but what good does that do when you're in so deep?   

Infatuation

They say that theres a chemical reaction set off in your head when you meet a person you're attracted to. This chemical in your brain, makes you completely blind to all the flaws of that person. And everything else around you just seems less important.. I've seen a friend go through this situation recently and I could only begin to imagine the toll it takes on a person, to basically fall in love with someone you barely know and just get your emotions all fucked up in the process. It's heartbreaking and it barely makes sense but... The things us girls go through for stupid men. 'scuse me... BOYS. I will never understand what enjoyment people get out of making someone think they're interested only to hold up a big middle finger in the end. Its wrong. It's common that people do things to people not knowing what they're going through or what previous issues they've had and how their actions can just trigger something absolutely tragic..

"Morning After Dark"

All I can seem to think about is last night, I'll have to say that... well, actually I don't know what to say. All it takes is merely five minutes to change your life, even though I know the unspoken event lasted longer then that.. what felt like hours now seems like just that, five minutes.. I was starting to feel as if I wasn't as needed as I'd like to be in my relationship but now... after this? I know for a fact that as hectic as things may get between us, with him is where I belong. The concept of "soul mates" is often cliche' and overused by tween-aged girls who just had their first kiss. But this, I'm praying, if the term is a real thing, that God is showing me that at a young age I have found mine.    

Here We Go..

So, I'm considering starting a "VLOG"... I think it would be good for myself but I'm wondering how popular it would be... Surely not as high in demand as Kingsley or Ryan Higa but maybe.. Some people would find it amusing. I'm in the works with this, its not definitely coming, just something I was pondering. Sorry, I haven't written in a while, if anyone in the world has even noticed, hopefully I'll blog more now that I'm on a laptop, I know that's backwards - shouldn't I have blogged more when I put the app on my phone? NO. its kind of aggravating actually. Its better to blog like this. Anyway, I'm rambling. TTFN.

Down and Out

I honestly just feel so warn out like i just have nothing left to give to the world. I'm out of it, I just don't like myself anymore and it just seems as if I just can't take on any other stresses or heart aches. I'm trying to give God my burdens and let him fight my battle while at the same time thinking he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. But all of that is so much easier said then done and I'm just crumbling under pressure. I feel like after all my frowns and tears I deserve days and days filled with genuine smiles and laughter.. But they're just not there. I don't want to lie to myself and sugar coat tragedy but at the same time I don't want to make rash decisions that I'll hate myself for later. I'm stuck.