LSWE

{Light skinned in the West end.}

Different.

Out of place. 

Searching. 

So many years being hated by 

My own kind but a different kind.

The darker kind. 

Treated well by the colorless side

But always a stand out. 

"You talk like a white girl" 

"You listen to white music"

"She thinks she's better"

No. 

I talk with intelligence.

I listen to what moves me.

I think of myself lower... 

For never finding a perfect fit.

21 years of never "fitting". 

Colorless still know I am not them.

But I am LIKE them. 

So I am acceptable. 

Only.. what about what I think?

Threatened. 

I will surround myself with colorless

But feel ugly in comparison.

Why?

Because I am still black. 

I have an Afro 

I have hips

I have prejudices 

But I have sense. 

And manners.

And I am open-minded in majority of ways. 

I have rhythm and to me that means more than just "black music" but also "white music"...

Wait.

Why can't music just be music?

I have lived with this division my 

Whole life and am still lost about it all.

Cherokee, Irish, West Indian, Canadian blood all running through my veins.

Seems exotic? Seems like a cop out to run from the fact that if I was standing in front of Sara, Dylan, etc... 

"Prettiest black girl"

"Pretty for a black girl" 

"You're just not black to me"

Then what am I?

I don't know.

Why

I'm back in a place that is more familiar 

than it should be. I hate that I give other people the controls to my emotions. I'm just so sick of depression and pain. 

My daughter is one of the only things that puts a smile on my face, her love is the strongest, and her energy is the most positive that feel. 

For as long as I can remember, through self harm, panic attacks, tears, and more... The only thing I've ever wanted and still want...... Is happiness. And when I feel like I've finally achieved it... It's almost instantly ripped from my fingertips. 

It's not fair. 

All it took..

And with one sentence a whole different person is erupting. A year of built up rage, flooding out like lava. 

Going Through It...

Horrible headache from crying for the last half hour. People just never realize how their words and more importantly their actions can effect someone until it's already been said and done. 

I saw a picture online that said "just because your past wasn't all you wanted, doesn't mean your future can't be greater then you imagined" (or something like that). It touched me... I love my child, but I don't love our predicament. I almost feel as though we don't belong anywhere but with each other. Like she and I are outcasts and/or fugitives. We aren't accepted in some parties and in other parties the circumstances are intolerable. All I want for us is happiness. No more stress, conflict, and drama. Just happiness. 

My Heart Aches for Her.

I was originally going to be very blunt and out of character in this post but I stopped myself and regained my composure.... This blog has been with me through a lot... Good times and bad. Every human being has their errors in life. I've had my fair share. I've always been a person to live without regret but now I'm starting to. My daughter deserves so much better... I met a person once who intrigued me in such a manor I couldn't help myself but to go along for the bumpy ride... Now... I know the truth... That persons negativity will not effect MY daughter. I will be her mother... And her father.

Haunting

I feel as though I've made plenty of decisions in my life that if executed differently I would be in a much better place right now... But I try to live optimistic and without regret. 

I question is loving too much, too hard, and too easily.... A bad thing? The bible says we're supposed to love unconditionally... But I just feel as though I put my heart on the line way too much. I can't tell you how sick I am of being hurt... And how my dreams and thoughts are haunted by these scars of my past. I feel as though that's one of my main stresses.... Not being able to forget the pain or at least mask myself from it. 

Perfection

My life has been so stressful the last few months.. But I'm determined for 2014 to be great for my daughter and I. I feel like I just have to (in a mature manor) accept the fact that my expectations for a perfect, happy life are just too high or not in this chapter. I think I just need to relax but at the same time, work to get out of this stuck place where I feel I am. I need motivation but I also need a break from just all the stress that's on my back day in and day out. My child is my focus, my love, my world, I want the best for us. I need the best for us. I'm not going to speak on my love life in this post. I'm not focused on it at this point. Relationships are irrelevant to me right now. No time or patience for what comes along with it (usually more bad than good). 

I Don't Get It

I want so much out of life, I feel like my life alone has so much potential and I'm just wasting it in so many ways. It's frustrating and exhausting. It's hard to get yourself where you want to be in life with an emotional disorder. It's like any sickness, and that's something most people don't understand. Being depressed is almost like being handicapped, I just constantly feel limited. I aspire to become better, for myself and my daughter. It's just stressful, I'm back to feeling like I did in high school, there's people around me but I'm still so lonely. 

I feel as though, I get into situations and just lose myself and can't make choices that I know are right or better for me, and then I just end up stressed and shutting down. I feel like I hardly smile anymore, the only time I'm happy is when I'm with my daughter.

Release

Life had been interesting lately. Just adjusting to being apart of my own family, it's amazing how I've finally gotten the motivation to make positive changes for myself by simply looking at my daughter. I'm finding that there's multiple changes that need to be made so I can achieve totally peace and happiness. I'm tired of being treated with less then I know I deserve by people around me. I'm overall a good person, a non-confrontational person. Why am I surrounded by such angry, depressed people? How do I build a life of positivity with so much negitivity around me?

Life

Where do I even begin?
My world, in the past 14 months has done a total 180.
It makes no sense how much change has occurred.
But I'm not complaining.
I'm a mother now,& in a relationship that's... interesting but makes me happy.
We're up and down all day long, but we love each other so much, and isn't that what matters most?
Our daughter, the most beautiful little girl I've ever laid eyes on, and not just because shes mine. But because God made her just that amazing. 
Family - something I've always wanted, and even though its hard and complicated on most days, the days that its easy make all the struggle so worth it. I feel stronger then I have in a long time. I'm finally in a place where I can say my head is almost on straight. Zoloft and therapy once a week are a big help too. 

Eyes Open Wide

I used to spend a lot of time praying for a situation that just wasn't meant to be. With red flags left & right, I ignored it. And forced something that was just so toxic & disguised it to myself as something meant to be. No, a life of pain & worry is not a life one should want to live. All the uncertainties & sleepless nights, I'm glad to say are in the past now. I would like to think that God gave me the strength to finally walk away & then opened my heart to the start of something new and beautiful. I'm not saying, I'm predicting the future & that this will be smooth sailing. I'm prepared for hardships. But at the same time, I have more faith & hope in this then anything I've had before. This life we're starting together is real & so different then anything I've experienced before. & when it comes to starting a family together, I'm happy it's with you, I'm comfortable & confident in you. We're going to be parents! It's crazy to think about & to put it into words, but we got this.. And it's going to be amazing.

¿Que Pasa Contigo?

I'm a little confused as to what's been going on with me lately. Feeling like a female Howard Hughes, I don't want to move or leave my room. I'm just stuck with the weight of the world on my mind and shoulders. A ticking time bomb, any little thing can really set me off in any direction these days. I'm longing for something... & it's driving me off the edge to not get it, but it cannot be forced, so I took today to try to give space, possibly be longed for... Back. I need to let out a lot in this post, so prepare. I think back to my past relationships & at this point I remember a lot of hurt. Right now, all I can think to myself is a lot of the feelings I've felt before & I don't ever want to feel again, with that being said, I'm almost scared to fall in love again, even though I question am I already in the process. I miss being comforted. Having someone be genuinely affectionate towards me. My situation now, is one that makes me happy but also one that has potential for so much more. I am usually one to be aggressive when I want something but this... Isn't usual. I can't do what I would do with anybody, it's different, it's a different feeling then what I've had before. I'm more confused then ever. Trying to "go with the flow" is taking to long to get me the answers I need. And I'm just at a block.

Out of Pocket..

I had a moment today where I had to really look back and ask myself... "Am I changing who I am to benefit another person?" And "If I do betray my own character... Will I benefit or suffer from it in the end?" Advice to people everywhere, you were made the way you were for a reason, God put us here with stories pre-written... Why give up your fairy tale ending, for somebody that could possibly only be there for one chapter?

Seasons...

I can't help but notice myself changing in so many ways. My wants are different, my needs are different, as well as my thoughts & feelings. I've always been told I'm mature, but I feel as though now, I'm realizing it for myself. I handle my situations differently, I execute my actions differently. And the biggest change of all of course falls in the category of love. My interests & attractions have done a complete flip & I'm trying to grasp on to it & understand what exactly this is. My new "leading man" is someone I would never imagine to look at the way I do, but it's ohkay. The lack of commitment & rules makes it for an even better set up, obviously for the reason being I've never had such a situation. He keeps me on my toes as well as boggles my mind on a regular.. The smell of cigarettes & liquor which would normally be revolting, has become that of roses. He's a game changer, so far a good one. I'm taking control of me and what I want and I'm happy about it, haven't heard from ex in a while, & at times I'd like to hear his voice but I know now, things are better this way. I'm growing this way.

Trying To Comprehend..

It doesn't make sense in the slightest to me that I feel the way I do.

It's confusing, but at the same time.. I guess the only term that makes it make sense is "love at first sight".

Is it possible that something as mythical as that has happened to me? I'm still not sure.

It's only been a few months and that alone feels like a few years, but I have to keep myself grounded that it hasn't been.

I was so scared of all of these thoughts and colors escaping and crashing down on me but at this point who cares? I have to get things off my chest and that's what this is for right?

Sigh

I feel as though I have so much on my mind yet, no words to turn the thoughts in to. At the end of the day, all I can think about is pros & cons of having a huge heart. I get so caught up in somebody and try so hard to show them I care, only to get stomped on in return. I get hurt over and over and yet still "chase" & "pursue" just because my feelings are so strong and I don't know what else to do because fear of letting go and hurting even more. I try to focus on other things other friendships & relationships, but what good does that do when you're in so deep?   

Infatuation

They say that theres a chemical reaction set off in your head when you meet a person you're attracted to. This chemical in your brain, makes you completely blind to all the flaws of that person. And everything else around you just seems less important.. I've seen a friend go through this situation recently and I could only begin to imagine the toll it takes on a person, to basically fall in love with someone you barely know and just get your emotions all fucked up in the process. It's heartbreaking and it barely makes sense but... The things us girls go through for stupid men. 'scuse me... BOYS. I will never understand what enjoyment people get out of making someone think they're interested only to hold up a big middle finger in the end. Its wrong. It's common that people do things to people not knowing what they're going through or what previous issues they've had and how their actions can just trigger something absolutely tragic..

"Morning After Dark"

All I can seem to think about is last night, I'll have to say that... well, actually I don't know what to say. All it takes is merely five minutes to change your life, even though I know the unspoken event lasted longer then that.. what felt like hours now seems like just that, five minutes.. I was starting to feel as if I wasn't as needed as I'd like to be in my relationship but now... after this? I know for a fact that as hectic as things may get between us, with him is where I belong. The concept of "soul mates" is often cliche' and overused by tween-aged girls who just had their first kiss. But this, I'm praying, if the term is a real thing, that God is showing me that at a young age I have found mine.    

Here We Go..

So, I'm considering starting a "VLOG"... I think it would be good for myself but I'm wondering how popular it would be... Surely not as high in demand as Kingsley or Ryan Higa but maybe.. Some people would find it amusing. I'm in the works with this, its not definitely coming, just something I was pondering. Sorry, I haven't written in a while, if anyone in the world has even noticed, hopefully I'll blog more now that I'm on a laptop, I know that's backwards - shouldn't I have blogged more when I put the app on my phone? NO. its kind of aggravating actually. Its better to blog like this. Anyway, I'm rambling. TTFN.

Down and Out

I honestly just feel so warn out like i just have nothing left to give to the world. I'm out of it, I just don't like myself anymore and it just seems as if I just can't take on any other stresses or heart aches. I'm trying to give God my burdens and let him fight my battle while at the same time thinking he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. But all of that is so much easier said then done and I'm just crumbling under pressure. I feel like after all my frowns and tears I deserve days and days filled with genuine smiles and laughter.. But they're just not there. I don't want to lie to myself and sugar coat tragedy but at the same time I don't want to make rash decisions that I'll hate myself for later. I'm stuck.