All it took..

And with one sentence a whole different person is erupting. A year of built up rage, flooding out like lava. 

Going Through It...

Horrible headache from crying for the last half hour. People just never realize how their words and more importantly their actions can effect someone until it's already been said and done. 

I saw a picture online that said "just because your past wasn't all you wanted, doesn't mean your future can't be greater then you imagined" (or something like that). It touched me... I love my child, but I don't love our predicament. I almost feel as though we don't belong anywhere but with each other. Like she and I are outcasts and/or fugitives. We aren't accepted in some parties and in other parties the circumstances are intolerable. All I want for us is happiness. No more stress, conflict, and drama. Just happiness. 

My Heart Aches for Her.

I was originally going to be very blunt and out of character in this post but I stopped myself and regained my composure.... This blog has been with me through a lot... Good times and bad. Every human being has their errors in life. I've had my fair share. I've always been a person to live without regret but now I'm starting to. My daughter deserves so much better... I met a person once who intrigued me in such a manor I couldn't help myself but to go along for the bumpy ride... Now... I know the truth... That persons negativity will not effect MY daughter. I will be her mother... And her father.

Haunting

I feel as though I've made plenty of decisions in my life that if executed differently I would be in a much better place right now... But I try to live optimistic and without regret. 

I question is loving too much, too hard, and too easily.... A bad thing? The bible says we're supposed to love unconditionally... But I just feel as though I put my heart on the line way too much. I can't tell you how sick I am of being hurt... And how my dreams and thoughts are haunted by these scars of my past. I feel as though that's one of my main stresses.... Not being able to forget the pain or at least mask myself from it. 

Perfection

My life has been so stressful the last few months.. But I'm determined for 2014 to be great for my daughter and I. I feel like I just have to (in a mature manor) accept the fact that my expectations for a perfect, happy life are just too high or not in this chapter. I think I just need to relax but at the same time, work to get out of this stuck place where I feel I am. I need motivation but I also need a break from just all the stress that's on my back day in and day out. My child is my focus, my love, my world, I want the best for us. I need the best for us. I'm not going to speak on my love life in this post. I'm not focused on it at this point. Relationships are irrelevant to me right now. No time or patience for what comes along with it (usually more bad than good). 

I Don't Get It

I want so much out of life, I feel like my life alone has so much potential and I'm just wasting it in so many ways. It's frustrating and exhausting. It's hard to get yourself where you want to be in life with an emotional disorder. It's like any sickness, and that's something most people don't understand. Being depressed is almost like being handicapped, I just constantly feel limited. I aspire to become better, for myself and my daughter. It's just stressful, I'm back to feeling like I did in high school, there's people around me but I'm still so lonely. 

I feel as though, I get into situations and just lose myself and can't make choices that I know are right or better for me, and then I just end up stressed and shutting down. I feel like I hardly smile anymore, the only time I'm happy is when I'm with my daughter.

Release

Life had been interesting lately. Just adjusting to being apart of my own family, it's amazing how I've finally gotten the motivation to make positive changes for myself by simply looking at my daughter. I'm finding that there's multiple changes that need to be made so I can achieve totally peace and happiness. I'm tired of being treated with less then I know I deserve by people around me. I'm overall a good person, a non-confrontational person. Why am I surrounded by such angry, depressed people? How do I build a life of positivity with so much negitivity around me?