Down and Out

I honestly just feel so warn out like i just have nothing left to give to the world. I'm out of it, I just don't like myself anymore and it just seems as if I just can't take on any other stresses or heart aches. I'm trying to give God my burdens and let him fight my battle while at the same time thinking he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. But all of that is so much easier said then done and I'm just crumbling under pressure. I feel like after all my frowns and tears I deserve days and days filled with genuine smiles and laughter.. But they're just not there. I don't want to lie to myself and sugar coat tragedy but at the same time I don't want to make rash decisions that I'll hate myself for later. I'm stuck.

The hearts & The Brains

I know its better to feel then to be emotionless, just as well as I know its better to love then to be completely alone. But, sometimes I just wonder would it all be easier if I was able to disconnect from all my emotions. I wouldn't hurt & I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't stay up at night filled with thoughts that do or don't make any sense. I would honestly have nothing to worry about but at the same time... How horrible it would be to live a life so hollow & meaningless. A second of pain should be worth days of happiness. Right?

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Family Ties

Its been a while but I have something on my mind worth blogging about and thats family. Its amazing how people portray the image of family and then most go completely against it. I'm not sure what it is about me, but I have both sides of my family completely paying me no attention, my mother seems to think for her side it is my fault and my dads is questionable. Honestly, I find it to be plain and simple that both sides just so happen to be people who respected grand parents and their only grandchild, and when the elders passed on so did the mandatory "love factor". Its fine though, I've adapted my way into a new familia while keeping my actual family that cares close as well.

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Uhmmm...

Ohkay, well I really don't have much to talk about in this post, nothing drastics been going on lately. I've been making progress on my road to a happier life. I've taken a real liking to Gossip Girl (currently via netflix then DVD until I catch up with where they are on actual TV). Other then that work and other  normalcy.

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Progess Report

So, due to bad habits of my past I seem to have some scarring and even more bad traits then I realized. The person I am right here, right now... is not healthy nor who I would like to be. But fixing myself, will be way easier said then done. I can admit that I'm taking things arbruptly, not really weening myself off but just taking charge of my own life cold turkey. Its the most frustrating thing I've ever done, being serious about change and not bullshitting around anymore. But I will succeed, for I am stronger then I honestly believe I am. And I do have faith in my self whether the rest of the world does or not.

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Le Difference

Have you ever encountered or endured something so powerful and so beautiful your whole life changes or at least just seems more clear?

Ever go through something or realize something that just overcomes you with so much more strength and a sense of reality?

I feel as if I've had so many "My life sucks/OH WOW, CLARITY AND CHANGE/nevermind not really" moments thats its becoming annoying and overly redundant.

Its a new year filled with so much opportunity. And please, I promise you that I'm not one of those cliche'd facebook statuses saying that all my problems and problem starters are going to be left behind in 2011. But I will say that 2011 had enough struggle and lessons learned to make me need to make 2012 completely different. Starting with a strong retaliation to my emotional disorders and dependencies. There are things that I feel I can clearly find fault in but continue to do... a friend has brought to my attention that some things have become addictions (Addiction; the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice of something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming). I'm become my own murderer, my own torturer, it has to stop before I literally destroy myself. I encourage everyone to take charge of your own lives not for others or for appearance matters, etc.... but for YOU.