Family Ties

Its been a while but I have something on my mind worth blogging about and thats family. Its amazing how people portray the image of family and then most go completely against it. I'm not sure what it is about me, but I have both sides of my family completely paying me no attention, my mother seems to think for her side it is my fault and my dads is questionable. Honestly, I find it to be plain and simple that both sides just so happen to be people who respected grand parents and their only grandchild, and when the elders passed on so did the mandatory "love factor". Its fine though, I've adapted my way into a new familia while keeping my actual family that cares close as well.

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Uhmmm...

Ohkay, well I really don't have much to talk about in this post, nothing drastics been going on lately. I've been making progress on my road to a happier life. I've taken a real liking to Gossip Girl (currently via netflix then DVD until I catch up with where they are on actual TV). Other then that work and other  normalcy.

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Progess Report

So, due to bad habits of my past I seem to have some scarring and even more bad traits then I realized. The person I am right here, right now... is not healthy nor who I would like to be. But fixing myself, will be way easier said then done. I can admit that I'm taking things arbruptly, not really weening myself off but just taking charge of my own life cold turkey. Its the most frustrating thing I've ever done, being serious about change and not bullshitting around anymore. But I will succeed, for I am stronger then I honestly believe I am. And I do have faith in my self whether the rest of the world does or not.

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Le Difference

Have you ever encountered or endured something so powerful and so beautiful your whole life changes or at least just seems more clear?

Ever go through something or realize something that just overcomes you with so much more strength and a sense of reality?

I feel as if I've had so many "My life sucks/OH WOW, CLARITY AND CHANGE/nevermind not really" moments thats its becoming annoying and overly redundant.

Its a new year filled with so much opportunity. And please, I promise you that I'm not one of those cliche'd facebook statuses saying that all my problems and problem starters are going to be left behind in 2011. But I will say that 2011 had enough struggle and lessons learned to make me need to make 2012 completely different. Starting with a strong retaliation to my emotional disorders and dependencies. There are things that I feel I can clearly find fault in but continue to do... a friend has brought to my attention that some things have become addictions (Addiction; the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice of something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming). I'm become my own murderer, my own torturer, it has to stop before I literally destroy myself. I encourage everyone to take charge of your own lives not for others or for appearance matters, etc.... but for YOU.

Shed Light on the Situation

My insecurites are ruining my life.

The things I think about and then focus on... are making me hate myself.

I cry on a daily... just thinking about all the ways of life that would make me so much happier but I feel as though I can't reach them.

As if I'm..... roadblocking myself. My actions and ways are what influence the thoughts of the people around me while normally I wouldn't care.. this go around... I realize, people's thoughts influence they're actions towards me along with how they treat me in general. Some things.... have got.... to change. No questions asked. If not, I'll drive everyone away for the simple fact that they find me psychotic. 

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Atlas

In this place that I am, the state that I'm in. Where my mind is, body is, soul is, heart is. And then the kind of person I am. Its so hard to find a person compatible. That means love and friendship. When my heart aches, it aches as if its tempted to take its last beat. And then I just sit there, waiting for God to take all this pain on my shoulders away from me, just so I don't have to do it myself. I look at myself in HD and zoom in on my flaws, to only make myself think that they are what makes me. And not in a good way. Once he called me beautiful, but I just don't feel that way at this moment. Having mutliple ppl tell you what a fuck up you are, is anything but a source of kindness and happiness. It adds on. I'm being destroyed, as if I was a monster set on this atlas without a purpose at all.

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"Its been a while.."

So... I've started working again, enjoying it as much as one working in retail should. Having some self issues though. Things pushing me to go back on the past for few and just flat out hating myself... but then I force myself to reflect on the positive points in my life and everything seems descent and thank God for my priviledges.

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